Six Techniques for Saving a Failed Marriage

When most people realize that they are living in a failed marriage, they tend to think that their marriage failed overnight. This is rarely the case... it typically happens over a period of years, as disagreements, petty arguments, and frustrations accumulate. Individually, they aren’t a big problem, but together, they can eventually destroy your marriage.

But when you come to this realization, is your marriage truly over?

Not at all! If you use the right techniques, consistently and methodically, you can put your marriage back on the right track in a matter of hours. The trouble is, most of us learn the wrong techniques – mostly from our parents and other authority figures – so we don’t know how to build a happy, loving marriage. So we end up destroying our relationships instead.

Fortunately, the right techniques are not difficult to find… if you know where to look, that is. I’ve spent nearly a decade looking for the answers that make a strong, fulfilling marriage tick – I didn’t find them overnight, but once I finally put all the pieces together… I had an “a-ha” moment that I knew I wanted to share with others dealing with a failed marriage.

But what if your spouse doesn’t want to put the effort into restoring your marriage? You probably feel pretty alone, but in about 90% of failing marriages, one partner cares a lot more than the other about putting things back together.

The good news is, you can start moving your relationship in the right direction by yourself. You can’t do it all alone, but with the right strategies, you can make enough progress to get your partner on board. Your spouse will see improvements in your relationship… and will be inspired to start contributing as well.

You can get started saving your failed marriage today with these six simple techniques:

1) Take time to do little things for your partner. Small acts of kindness and empathy are like unexpected jewels for your partner – especially when your spouse is having a rough day, or is just exhausted from all the demands of day to day life. These jewels will go a long way toward restoring your marriage, even though they don’t require a lot of time or money. Things like bringing your spouse breakfast in bed, running an errand that he or she forgot, or picking up a quart of your spouse’s favorite ice cream... these are but a few of the small kindnesses that will work wonders for your marriage.

2) Find new activities that you both might enjoy, and take the time to try out those activities together. Couples frequently complain that they no longer share common interests, because they have simply grown apart. The real issue usually isn’t growing apart, though… it’s that the things you used to enjoy together have become stale and boring. Be adventurous and try something together that you never thought you’d try… salsa dancing, skydiving, antiques shopping – anything to restore your connection with your spouse and keep the marriage fresh.

3) Understand that your own personal issues affect your marriage. Ever snapped at your partner because some completely unrelated issue was getting to you? Most likely, you’ve done it at least a few times. We all do it occasionally, but when your personal issues habitually affect how you interact with your spouse, it's time to start dealing with your own emotional issues. You may need to see a counselor, and there’s no shame in discussing your personal issues with a professional. It can be a huge contribution toward saving your failed marriage.

4) Compliment your partner frequently, and say “thank you” more often than you need to. After spending years in a marriage, couples tend focus heavily on the negative aspects of their relationships… and take the good things for granted. Rather than focusing on your spouse's faults, express gratitude for the things he or she contributes to your marriage. Compliments are wonderful too – we all want our spouses to think we’re intelligent, attractive, talented, witty… no matter how confident your spouse seems to be, he or she still wants your reassurance. And when make your spouse’s day with a sincere compliment… you show him or her you’re still the hero you were on your wedding day.

5) When disagreeing with your spouse, try to see things from your partner's perspective (this, my friend, requires listening). You can learn a lot by making an effort to understand how your spouse could perceive the situation differently. Plus, showing that your partner's feelings are important to you will go a long way toward repairing your failed marriage.

Don’t think this means the two of you will never disagree again. That’s not only unrealistic… it would actually be a bad thing. When you disagree respectfully, differences of opinion make your marriage stronger and more engaging. Think about what marriage would be like if the two of you agreed on every single issue. Pretty boring...

6) Concentrate on solutions, not on assessing blame. It usually doesn't matter who started the argument, or who caused the issue. Insisting on laying blame only fosters resentment, which drives an even bigger wedge into your marriage. Instead, focus your energy on finding mutually agreeable solutions. Often, when you shift your focus away from blame, it’s surprisingly easy to find a solution that works for you both.

Using these strategies will help you make an incredible difference in the quality of your marriage. For more tips, resources, and inspiration, as well as a step-by-step plan for restoring your relationship - even if your partner doesn't want to - visit Save the Marriage.